Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzip...

I wish I was a quiet, unassuming, non-opinionated person. I want to just keep my mouth shut and let everyone else make bad decisions and say the wrong thing.

I'm going to try it on and see how I like it today. No talking unless first addressed. Not a word.

It ends and leaves you immobile...

That is the problem with too much of a good thing...

I woke-up this morning hating life. I've had to say goodbye to too many people.

I graduated from college last May, and have spent the past year pretending that I was an adult. I had a new job and a new place to live, but I still had friends around that I cared for very much that were still connect to school. As of two days ago, all of those connections have severed. I have a different connection to my alma mater. Hopefully, a healthy one, but I can't help but feel as though a period in my life has truly ended. Saying goodbye before wasn't quite so hard, but I'm static while everyone else is moving.

I'm not disappointed, honestly. It has nothing to do with what my life is, but I have no clue what my life will become. No goals beyond the short term. I suppose it's emotions that keep us going, good or bad. Emotions...emotions.

My 55....

Ten things I wish I could say to ten different people:

1. I spent a week playing nothing but Snaps and War with you, and I miss you in my life.
2. Sometimes you piss me off til I lose my temper, but we always seem to make it through our little tiffs.
3. You took my heart and broke it. I'm not sure I will ever fully get over that, but I try everyday.
4. I forget how wonderful you are, and then you do something that's like a smack in the face, and I remember.
5. Knowing you always feels like a dream. You are wonderful and vibrant, and I miss seeing you everyday.
6. You are the most stubborn person I have ever met.
7. You are one of the most beautiful people I know.
8. I wish you would wake up and realize that everyone loves you the way you are. Even God.
9. You will succeed, and overcome. I have faith in you.
10. We do rule.

Nine things about myself:

1. I'm secretly a tree-hugging hippy.
2. I sometimes seem very judgmental, but I usually let the actions speak for themselves.
3. I have trust issues

4. Give me liberty or give me death.
5. Don't tell me I can't. It just pisses me off.
6. My faith is ever changing and evolving.
7. Sometimes I fear I will never find real love.
8. I fall in love WAY too easily.
9. As a result, I get burned. A lot.


Eight ways to win my heart:

1. Have passion in everything you choose to do.
2. Have some creative ability.
3. Eat with me. :)
4. Have faith, and believe in hope.
5. Only let me have my way, when I really need it. Otherwise, don't.
6. Do what you think is honest and good.
7. Continuously push yourself, and in response me, to be better than you are.
8. Hug me, and hold me a little longer each time. (I loved this too much not to use it.)


Seven things that cross my mind a lot:

1. Really?....Really?
2. Huh...
3. Ya know....
4. Oh MY GOSH!!!
5. I know, right?
6. Oh, shut up...
7. I'm gonna kill him...


Six things I do before I go sleep:

1. Wash my face.
2. Brush my teeth.
3. Moisturize everything.
4. Talk to myself.
5. Read.
6. Make sure the doors are locked.


Five people who mean a lot to me:

1. Mom/Gram
2. Larry
3. Dione
4. Rick
5. Barbra Streisand

Four things I'm wearing right now:

1. Black dress slacks
2. Givenchy tie
3. H&M Undies
4. Eyeglasses


Three songs that I listen to often:

1. Side Show - I Will Never Leave You
2. Lady GaGa - Alejandro
3. Idina Menzel - Heaven Help My Heart

Two things I want to do before I die:

1. Create something truly meaningful and memorable.
2. Fully love God and myself.

One Confession:

1. I seem to be the most confident person to the world, but I'm the most worrisome, scared, self-conscious person that needs validation from others.

Purged...

Abolition, abstersion, catharsis, clarification,cleaning, cleanup, coup, crushing, disposal,disposition, ejection, eradication, evacuation, excretion, expulsion, expurgation, extermination, extirpation, liquidation, murder, purification, reign of terror, suppression, witch hunt

Lessons Learned....or Learning Lessons

So I know in the past that I haven't been a very trustworthy person.

I thought that telling little white lies to get out of socializing would help. That the person on the receiving end of those lies wouldn't be mad because I had a legitimate reason. Although many times the the truth was exaggerated (which is just as bad as lying) I thought that it would keep them coming back.

I was wrong.

I thought that I was above lying. What I was doing wasn't lying! It was just making the truth more easily accepted.

The funny thing about lying is the only one who initially benefits is the person telling the lie. It's easier for them to accept the truth, but what they don't realize is the other person doesn't buy their bullshit. I know this should be obvious, but it really isn't. At least not until after.

My friends know me too well. They know the sent of my bullshit. Now, even when I tell the truth, it's tainted by precedence.

I have striven to be a better person. I have told the truth when I don't want to hang out or when I've over-booked hanging out with friends. Now my past is haunting me untiringly.

I suppose these are the consequences of my actions.

I have no one to blame but myself...and that's the worst part.

I have become THAT person. The one that everyone expects to do something. So even when I go against the grain, they don't believe it.

My worst fear has come true.

I have become my father.

Ganymede, The Pillar of Confidence

It's like flames. Flames on the side of my face.

So I've been very, very angry all day long.

It isn't the type of anger that spills over into every emotion, and I haven't bitten off anyone's head (yet), but I don't want to be touched or hugged or placated. I feel like I have this power plant inside that is blaring the evacuation siren. I want to scream. I want to sing. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I don't know what the hell is up with this emo period I've been having, but I'm over it.

I need a vacation. Who wants to go? I'm thinking the seaside. I haven't been to the ocean in years. I miss it. It's the only place I feel completely contented.

That was yesterday....

Last night I had the most wonderful experience. It wasn't a seashore, but it was pretty darn close. I had such a wonderful time. And then, to drive back through a tornado! Ah! In the words of Katharine Hepburn, "I never dreamed that any mere physical experience could be so stimulating."

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter

The heart may mend, but it hurts like hell along the way.

Quite a lot of my friends have recently been hit by bouts of heartache. I have have all the advice of the cosmos pouring out of me, but I soon realized...I have never been in a true, honest-to-God relationship. Of course, I've dated, and steadily, I might add, but I have never been in a good relationship where reciprocation was practiced on a healthy level.

It has been a year. I have been used by plenty of people. I won't pretend like I haven't done my fair share of using, but it was very destructive behavior. I had no excuse to act the way I did. I have found that being alone, really alone for the first time, has allowed me to be meditative, and really get in touch with what I want. It has definitely been good for my soul.

I'm trying to break my Princess Complex. I'm giving love a chance to grow, instead of strong-arming it into something broken. I'm ready to bloom.

Ganymede, The Pillar of Confidence