Lessons Learned....or Learning Lessons

So I know in the past that I haven't been a very trustworthy person.

I thought that telling little white lies to get out of socializing would help. That the person on the receiving end of those lies wouldn't be mad because I had a legitimate reason. Although many times the the truth was exaggerated (which is just as bad as lying) I thought that it would keep them coming back.

I was wrong.

I thought that I was above lying. What I was doing wasn't lying! It was just making the truth more easily accepted.

The funny thing about lying is the only one who initially benefits is the person telling the lie. It's easier for them to accept the truth, but what they don't realize is the other person doesn't buy their bullshit. I know this should be obvious, but it really isn't. At least not until after.

My friends know me too well. They know the sent of my bullshit. Now, even when I tell the truth, it's tainted by precedence.

I have striven to be a better person. I have told the truth when I don't want to hang out or when I've over-booked hanging out with friends. Now my past is haunting me untiringly.

I suppose these are the consequences of my actions.

I have no one to blame but myself...and that's the worst part.

I have become THAT person. The one that everyone expects to do something. So even when I go against the grain, they don't believe it.

My worst fear has come true.

I have become my father.

Ganymede, The Pillar of Confidence

It's like flames. Flames on the side of my face.

So I've been very, very angry all day long.

It isn't the type of anger that spills over into every emotion, and I haven't bitten off anyone's head (yet), but I don't want to be touched or hugged or placated. I feel like I have this power plant inside that is blaring the evacuation siren. I want to scream. I want to sing. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I don't know what the hell is up with this emo period I've been having, but I'm over it.

I need a vacation. Who wants to go? I'm thinking the seaside. I haven't been to the ocean in years. I miss it. It's the only place I feel completely contented.

That was yesterday....

Last night I had the most wonderful experience. It wasn't a seashore, but it was pretty darn close. I had such a wonderful time. And then, to drive back through a tornado! Ah! In the words of Katharine Hepburn, "I never dreamed that any mere physical experience could be so stimulating."

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter

The heart may mend, but it hurts like hell along the way.

Quite a lot of my friends have recently been hit by bouts of heartache. I have have all the advice of the cosmos pouring out of me, but I soon realized...I have never been in a true, honest-to-God relationship. Of course, I've dated, and steadily, I might add, but I have never been in a good relationship where reciprocation was practiced on a healthy level.

It has been a year. I have been used by plenty of people. I won't pretend like I haven't done my fair share of using, but it was very destructive behavior. I had no excuse to act the way I did. I have found that being alone, really alone for the first time, has allowed me to be meditative, and really get in touch with what I want. It has definitely been good for my soul.

I'm trying to break my Princess Complex. I'm giving love a chance to grow, instead of strong-arming it into something broken. I'm ready to bloom.

Ganymede, The Pillar of Confidence